ZOMBIES!
by Cairnsy
Summary: Renji should never be allowed to think for himself, ever. Alternatively: In which Renji is a dork and Shuuhei just wants to get laid. Shuuhei/Renji/Shuuhei.  Warnings for humor, horror, and utter silliness.


**Challenge: **Z for zombies, selected by Ann for the Alphabet Prompt Meme over on my Live Journal**  
Notes: **I refuse to take any blame for this; it is entirely Ann's fault. I just … yeah. I have no excuses for this other than the fact it is ALL ANN'S FAULT.

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**ZOMBIES!**

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There were times, Shuuhei liked to think, when life changing revelations were really rather appropriate. A cold winter's day beneath the peek-a-boo purple of plum blossoms seemed ideal, or maybe a grave side visit on a dark, grim morning. Even moments that hardly seemed poetic at first glance could frame a poignant – and most of all, _appropriate_ – moment for revelation.

The middle of a rather mind blowing blow job (if Shuuhei did say so himself) was not one of those times.

"I can't do it, I just can't," Renji moaned dramatically as he flung himself backwards in his chair, clearly too distraught to notice that he had been doing nothing up until that point beyond enjoying Shuuhei's hard work.

"You didn't seem to be having any issues a moment ago."

"You wouldn't understand," Renji replied darkly. "Shuuhei, I'm _dead_."

Shuuhei pinched the bridge of his nose impatiently, and then rocked back on his heels. "Please don't tell me that you have only just become aware of this."

"How can you be so fucking blasé about this, you're dead as well."

"Yes. Yes I am. I am a very much dead acting captain who skipped out of a meeting early to spend his few fleeting moments of downtime with his also dead lover. A dead lover he would rather like to have sex with now, if that is at all convenient."

"Of course it's not convenient!" Renji hissed, leaning forward in his chair until only inches separated his (hot, pouty) mouth from Shuuhei's. "It couldn't be less fucking convenient."

"Because we're dead?"

"It's zombie sex! _Necrophilia!_" Renji's eyes darted nervously to the door and back again. "What if someone walked in on us? They'd freak!"

"I don't doubt it," Shuuhei said dryly. "Especially if you were doing that thing with your –"

The rest of Shuuhei's description was smothered away by the hand Renji pressed desperately against his mouth.

"Look, I like you Shuuhei. I really do." Oh, good. He'd hate it if the hard on that Renji was still sporting was the result of some sort of twisted hatred. "And for a zombie, you're sort of hot in a flesh eating, arm ripping off way."

_Sort of_ hot?

"Not that the arm-ripping off is your fault!" Renji hurried to add, correctly catching the agitation that flashed in Shuuhei's eyes but attributing it to the wrong insane portion of his comment. _Sort of hot?_ "It's your nature! You can't help but sink your teeth into any piece of flesh that is waved in front of you!"

Shuuhei blinked, his gaze shifting deliberately downwards. Oblivious, Renji continued on.

"But what would happen if something went wrong? What if … what if your tongue fell off in my mouth? Or your hand got stuck down my pants?" A look of horror flashed across his face. "What if … what if part of me breaks off while I'm inside you? What then, huh?" Renji hysterically grabbed at Shuuhei's collar with his free hand, dragging him closer. _"What then?"_

Shuuhei patiently cocked one eyebrow, and waited.

"Oh, right," Renji said sheepishly, removing his other hand from where it was still clamped over Shuuhei's mouth. "WHAT THEN?"

With a sigh, Shuuhei crossed his legs and settled in for the long haul. "You mean, you really don't know?"

Renji paused, allowing the material of Shuuhei's collar to slip between his fingers.

"Know what?"

"Cello tape."

"What?"

"Cello tape. And if that fails, maybe some staples or two."

"Wait, _what?_"

"Of course, if you'd rather not run the risk of losing an appendage of two," Shuuhei said calmly, lightly running one hand up the inside of the red head's thigh, "we could always not have zombie sex. In fact, we could stick to purely zombie-friendly activities, like evening strolls. That could still be fun." Shuuhei's gaze became distant. "We wouldn't be able to have hot alleyway sex while we're out, naturally, but I'm sure people go for walks late at night for other reasons."

Any thoughts of what those reasons might possibly be were stolen away by a rough, impatient kiss that held more than a touch of horniness to it. On a whole, it was a far more acceptable way of being silenced.

"You are such an asshole, Shuuhei," Renji murmured against Shuuhei's mouth, his hands already tugging at the folds of Shuuhei's uniform. "But I swear, if any part of you breaks off inside of me (or vice versa!), you're-"

"- dead?" Shuuhei finished dryly. If looks could kill, Shuuhei would pretty much look exactly the same as he did right at this moment. "Apparently, it's too late for that. You'll just have to find a different way to punish me."

...

"And that is why Renji won't be able to come back to work this afternoon," Shuuhei said emotionlessly, his hands clasped behind his back and his eyes locked just above Kuchiki-taichou's head. "Kurotsuchi–taichou says that Renji will be … indisposed … for the next couple of days."

"I see," Kuchiki-taichou said evenly. "Very well, inform Renji that he will still be required to catch up on all his paperwork."

"Yes, taichou." With a clipped nod of his head, Shuuhei turned on his heels with an almost respectable amount of professionalism -

"Once he's back in one piece, of course."

- and fled.

He was going to kill Renji for this.


End file.
